


Snitches End Up In Ditches

by slyther_ing



Series: The Fault in our Chat Logs [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, Social Media, ft. antagonistic drarry lmao, hucey is hinted at lololol, the finale bc im no longer funny tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 03:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14824689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slyther_ing/pseuds/slyther_ing
Summary: George: i didn’t know you guys were so invested in their relationshipBletchley: we’re notWarrington: speak for yourselfWarrington: i have gotten yelled at a hell of a lot less since Wood has let Flint’s hands down his pantsFred:oi thats our captain ur talking about hereFred:he may be lowkey a ho but we dont slander him for it





	Snitches End Up In Ditches

**Author's Note:**

> is it really a flintwood crack fic if the quidditch teams don't get involved

**Pucey** created a group chat

 **Pucey** named the group chat _looming_ _divorce :(_

 **Higgs** : they're not going to break up oh my god

 **Pucey:** you didn't hear what I heard!!

 **Angelina** : hi excuse me

 **Angelina:** what is this about??

 **Pucey:** hi everyone I'm here to talk about a very sad thing

 **Fred:** Merlin’s balls, it's a chat full of slytherins

 **George:** this is either a horrible nightmare or a beautiful dream and i haven’t figure out which yet

 **Montague:** im in an alternate universe

 **Montague:** quickly @Warrington slap me to get me to jump universes

 **Warrington:** @Montague no. @Pucey they’re not getting divorced

 **Warrington:** they’re not even married

 **Harry:** who are we talking about and why does this concern me?

 **Angelina:** ^

 **Katie:** ^

 **Malfoy:** oh great it’s Potter :///

 **Harry** removed **Malfoy** from _looming divorce :(_

 **Fred:** asdfjsal amazing

 

 **Malfoy** started a private chat

 **Malfoy:** add me back

 **Montague:** brat

 

 **Montague** added **Malfoy** to _looming divorce :(_

 **Higgs:** play nice boys @Malfoy @Potter

 **Pucey:** the very sad thing, people!!

 **Pucey:** Flint and Wood and the impending doom that’s waiting for them

 **Pucey:** aka our final match in two weeks

 **George:** wow

 **George:** i didn’t know you guys were so invested in their relationship

 **Bletchley** : we’re not

 **Warrington** : speak for yourself

 **Warrington:** i have gotten yelled at a hell of a lot less since Wood has let Flint’s hands down his pants

 

 **Fred:** oi thats our captain ur talking about here

 **Fred:** he may be lowkey a ho but we dont slander him for it

 **Katie:** @Pucey so what did you overhear and why are we scared they’re going to break up??

 **Pucey:** they were arguing after our team practice the other day

 **Bletchley:** big surprise

 **Pucey:** ok you know how when they argue it’s not actually arguing

 **Pucey:** this wasn’t that ok it was honestly kinda intense

 **Alicia** : oh no wonder Oliver was in such a bad mood this weekend

 **Bletchley:** hi Spinnet

 **Montague** removed **Bletchley** from _looming_ _divorce :(_

 **Warrington** : finally some fucking peace and quiet.

 **Katie:** oh yeah, Oliver was realllly moody when we were all at 3 broomstix

 **Katie** : poor thing

 **Higgs** : lmao from what I heard he was in the wrong

 **Fred** : blasphemy.

 **George** : how dare you.

 **Higgs:** Flint’s words, not mine

 **Fred:** _blasphemy_

 **George:** how dare he.

 **Malfoy:** okay but again why do we _care_

 **Harry** removed **Malfoy** from _looming divorce :(_

 

 **Malfoy** started a private chat

 **Malfoy** : add me back

 **Montague** : oh my god

 

 **Montague** added **Malfoy** to _looming divorce :(_

 **Malfoy:** FUCK YOU

 **Harry** removed **Malfoy** from _looming divorce :(_

 **Harry** removed **Montague** from _looming divorce :(_

 **Angelina** : i am l i v i n g

 **Warrington** : holy shit what a straight savage

 **Harry:** anyways @Higgs you know what the fight was about?

 **Higgs:** sure but i value my face so i’d rather not give flint a reason to mess it up

 **Higgs** : im rather pretty, yknow

 **Warrington** : hey @Potter do ur thing

 **Harry** removed **Higgs** from _looming divorce :(_

 **Warrington:** this shit is lit

 **Pucey:** guys :(

 **Pucey** added **Higgs** to _looming divorce :(_

 **Pucey** added **Montague, Malfoy,** and **Bletchley** to _looming divorce :(_

 **Warrington:** damnit

 **Montague:** excuse _YOU_

 **Malfoy:** we’re going to fucking remember this Cassius

 **Fred** : wow no wonder you guys suck

 **Fred:** so much infighting

 **Angelina:** y’all i figured out what they were fighting about

 **Katie:** o shit angie, how?

 **Angelina:** oh like this

 **Angelina:** “hey Oliver what were u fighting with Flint about?”

 **Angelina:** *cue thirty minutes of text-ranting*

 **Angelina** sent an image to _looming divorce :(_

 **Angelina:** witches get shit done

 **Montague:** ….lmao merlin

 **Katie:** sigh ya he’s rlly dramatic

 **Bletchley:** does he threaten shower-drowning often? Like is that a common thing? Do you all ever get worried?

 **Pucey:** I TOLD you all it was BAD fuck what do we do

 **George:** sounds to me like Flint’s the one in the wrong hmmmmmm

 **George:** i say oliver dumps him

 **Fred:** oooh seconded

 **Pucey:** hold up

 **Pucey:** im sure its not that clear and concise

 **Harry:** what part of “Flint thinks having a firebolt is unfair and so harry shouldn’t play” isn’t clear and concise

 **Harry:** sounds like Flint’s the one making demands here

 **Malfoy** : ok but it’s _not_ fair

 **Katie:** @Malfoy ur just scared u can’t beat Harry and thems the facts

 **Montague:** i mean he’s not wrong

 **Montague** : that’s a professional standard broom that’s leagues ahead of all of ours

 **George:** okay, what about when you all got decked out with Nimbus 2001s??

 **George:** professional standard broms

 **George:** no one kicked up a fuss then

 **Fred:** YEA

 **Fred** : I SAY WOOD STANDS HIS GROUND

 **Pucey** : guys no

 **Pucey:** its not up to us to determine who’s right or wrong

 **Fred** : what are u, a puff?

 **Montague:** yes

 **Warrington:** yes

 **Bletchley** : yes

 **Pucey** : >:(

 **Higgs:** shut up all of you

 **Higgs:** Flint just stormed into our dorm and he’s muttering weird shit under his breath

 **Higgs:** oooh he’s writing a letter

 **Alicia** : do u know what the letter says

 **Higgs:** I’ll risk my face to ask

 **Bletchley:** may Terence Higgs rest in peace

 **Harry:** how do u guys even function as a team when you’re scared of him

 **Montague** : u mean Wood’s eyebrows don’t strike the fear of Circe into your soul?

 **Malfoy** : lmao they’re not actually scared of him

 **Malfoy:** he’s like a mom

 **Pucey:** snitches end up in ditches!!

 **Bletchley** : snitches end up in ditches oh my god Malfoy why do you never get this

 **Higgs** : fuck off Malfoy. Who wants to know what he’s writing?

 **Alicia:** meee i wanna know

 **Higgs:** @ slyth team, i swear he’s gone soft holy shit

 **Higgs:** ahem his scribbled writings are a very messy yet still increasingly sappy apology to one O. Wood.

 **Higgs:**  i dodged a punch for all you motherfuckers

 **Bletchley:** wait why is he the one apologizing?? Wood’s the one being overdramatic

 **Angelina** : that's our captain you’re talking about

 **Higgs:** too late, the letter has been taken and the captain’s rushed out

 **Warrington:** well

 **Warrington** : at least Pucey can stop panicking about his otp now

 **Pucey:** no because a) what if he doesn’t accept the apology and b) the match!! Is still coming up!!

 **Bletchley** : lmao Wood’s not gnna be happy when he loses

 **Katie** : EXCUSE YOU

 **Alicia:** u wish bleghley

 **Montague:** blegh-ley

 **Warrington:** hahahahahaha

 **Bletchley** : fuck off, ur supposed to be on my side

 **Fred:** losing??? Us??? Sounds FAKE.

 **Pucey** : guys!! We need to make sure it doesn’t get ugly between them

 **Warrington:** thats the natural course of love, man

 **Warrington:** not saying that they’re in love or anything lol could you imagine ugh

 **George:** ew gross

 **Bletchley** : lol right?

 

 **Malfoy** has started a private chat

 **Malfoy:** hello captain, I’d like to inform you that your team is collaborating with the gryffindors about your private life

 **Flint** : wot

 **Malfoy** sent an image

 **Flint:** motherfuck

 **Flint:** also what part of ‘snitches end up in ditches’ don’t you get

 

 **Malfoy** added **Flint** to _looming divorce :(_

 **Montague** : SNITCHES END UP IN DITCHES

 **Warrington** : SNITCHES END UP IN DITCHES

 **Malfoy** : i just thought he should know

 **Angelina:** what the fuckkkkkk

 **Warrington:** haha also i meant that you two are very much in love and we’re supportive

 **Warrington** : um unless you’re not in love in which case, that’s cool too

 **Angelina:** yea keep digging that hole Warrington

 **Flint:** hello. I’m going to choose to ignore Cassius right now.

 **Warrington** : small mercies, thank u quidditch Jesus

 **Flint:** i’d like to inform you that you are all dead.

 **Fred** left _looming divorce :(_

 **George** left _looming divorce :(_

 **Alicia** added **Fred** and **George** to _l_ _ooming divorce :(_

 **Alicia** : IF WE’RE SUFFERING SO R U @Fred @George

 **Warrington:** i will literally get down on my knees to beg for mercy

 **Montague:** ^^

 **Bletchley:** ^^^

 **Malfoy** : o maybe they are scared

 **Flint** : @Pucey @Pucey @Pucey @Pucey @Pucey ………….explain.

 **Harry** : damn 5 @’s

 **Flint** : @Pucey

 **Pucey** : i’m hiding

 **Flint** : i’m not mad at you, i just wanna know

 **Angelina** : flint?? Not mad?? It’s (apparently) more likely than you think

 **Montague:** this is blatant favoritism excuse me what the frICK

 **Pucey:** uhmmmmmmm well

 **Pucey:** you seemed so upset after Wood left yknow and obviously u guys are so much happier when u guys ARENT fighting, and i just thought it would be so unfortunate if u guys ended up breaking up over something as silly as a hogwarts quidditch game

 **Pucey:** and like i know u guys are rlly feeling the pressure as the final match draws closer so I was worried that that’d be it and i reallllly didn’t want that to happen bc, again, u guys are both a lot happier when you’re together and i think u guys work rlly well so

 **Pucey** : :(

 **Alicia:** thats …. rlly cute ngl

 **Warrington:** he’s a puff he’s a PUFF

 **Higgs** removed **Warrington** from _looming divorce :(_

 **Flint:** we’re not gnna break up

 **Flint:** i think lol

 **Flint:** well not on my end anyways, he’s still pretty pissed

 **Pucey:** :(

 **Flint** : frowny face indeed

 **Angelina** added **Oliver** to _looming divorce :(_

 **George** : _angelina noooo_

 **Angelina** : @Oliver your response?

 **Oliver:** why have i been rudely awakened from my nap

 **Oliver:**??

 **Oliver** : oh

 **Oliver** : oh im not breaking up with Marcus wtf

 **Flint** : so you’re not mad anymore?

 **Oliver** : oh don’t worry, I’m still mad

 **Oliver:** wait

 **Oliver** : holy shit did you guys create a group chat about this

 **Oliver** : @ GRYFF TEAM - COMMON ROOM. NOW.

 

 **Katie** started a private chat

 **Katie:** HOW MAD DOES HE LOOK

 **Harry:** well he just rushed down from upstairs and his left eye is twitching

 **Harry** : yknow, like it does when we all fall asleep during early morning practice and he has to re-explain the plays

 **Katie:** FUCK

 **Katie:** tell him i have period cramps and can’t come!!

 **Harry:** don’t fucking lie to me Bell, also tell the rest of the team that Harry is being held hostage until you all come reckon with my goddamn wrath - Oliver

 

 **Katie** entered _looming divorce :(_

 **Katie** changed the name to _we’re all doomed_

 **Katie** sent an image to _we’re all doomed_

 **Katie:** @ gryff team

 **Alicia:** crap i was gnna pull the period excuse noooOoo

 **Fred:** aw fuck, not Harry!

 **Fred:** if it was Angelina, I might’ve bounced

 **Angelina** : Likewise

 **Fred:** aw would you really

 **Angelina:** i’ve always liked George better

 **Montague:** well good luck i guess lmao

 **Flint:** @Montague still here

 **Flint:** everyone but @Pucey, slytherin common room. Now.

 **Higgs** : f a v o r i t i s m

 **Pucey** : i’m really sorry guys i’ll make it up to you :(

 

 **Montague** started a private chat

 **Montague:** alright Adrian Pucey

 **Montague:** how tf did you worm urself into flint’s good graces

 **Pucey** : oh hahah i just pretend like i’m really innocent and well-intentioned so he can baby me

 **Pucey:** secretly I’m planning to overthrow him and take the captaincy for myself

 **Montague** : oh my god

 **Montague:** why are you telling me this??

 **Pucey:** because no one will ever believe you :)

 **Pucey** has blocked this user

 **Montague:** you sick son of a bitch

 

 **Flin** **t** started a private chat

 **Flint:** after we whoop our respective teams, you wanna talk?

 **Oliver:** sounds like a plan

 **Oliver:** also ‘looming divorce’ lmao we’re not married

 **Flint:** haha yet haha

 **Oliver:** what

 **Flint** : what

 **Oliver:** WE ARE 18 CALM UR ASS DOWN

 **Flint** : IM SORRY

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this series!! i had a lot of fun taking a break from longer fics (read: actual not-crack writing)
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @mxrcusflint!


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